Tag Archives: self

I am who I am

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Today’s entry is not for the faint-hearted. Let me tell you a story of champagne, loose tongues and self-deception.

I was at a dinner party with people I can safely consider my family. One woman asked: Why are you so tanned? And I said: I’ve been in the sun, and I must say I don’t feel I’ve tanned enough. And she said: But you’re not usually that dark are you? And before I answered I looked at her closely and I saw in her the glow that comes with self-deception. Often it’s masked, it hides under a thin layer of confidence, and it tricks you into thinking it’s the glow that comes with self-love; but let me tell you, it’s the glow that comes with successfully lying to yourself about who and what you are. So I said: I tan quickly and I do get quite dark. My mother was black, the darkest woman I ever saw, and her blood flows through me, so when I tan and I become dark like she once was, I feel such pride, such joy, you cannot begin to understand.

And let me say this, the woman who questioned me about my skin colour, is in fact light-skinned, but she is not white. She and I are both of mixed heritage, but she is far lighter than I am. The look I saw in her eyes is the look of someone who has fooled themselves into thinking they are white, and in truth what she believes is none of my business. It becomes my business when she tries to transfer her nonsense to me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being white, or black, or whatever Michael Jackson was (who’s bad? me!). But there is something wrong with believing that one race is better than another, that one race is superior to another. And that is what I saw in her eyes, the desire to be seen as white, because she feels white is the best race you can be. And that is, excuse my French, the f*cking saddest thing ever (and also a massive lie).

My father is white, my mother was black, they both were generous to a fault as they decided to gift mankind with me. I am so very snug in my own skin, whether it is tanned or not. When you question me, you will be answered. And no one can make me doubt who I am or where I come from. I am an African woman and I love my brown skin.

Afterwards, she was silent. And I sipped champagne till I forgot all about that conversation. But I awoke this morning with a deadly hangover and I felt the need to share and to say: I am who I am.

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Trust in you

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A deep mistrust of others stems from a deeper mistrust of yourself. Before you snort and say: This one has had too much to drink! (Which in fact, is true but irrelevant.) Hear this: When you trust yourself, you believe in your capacity to live. That is, you have faith in your ability to survive, to make small or big decisions, to pursue your dreams, to explore, to question, to feel and to control your emotions and responses. Because you trust yourself, you will trust your judgement and your instincts. And you will be able to trust others. Granted you may give your trust out sparingly, but you will give it out wholeheartedly. Because trust and faith are interlinked. You trust yourself, and you trust others, and you are aware that they may or may not be trustworthy, but you have faith in yourself, you understand that regardless of whether they turn out to be worthy of your trust or not, you will still trust yourself. Because you trust yourself, you know you can live through anything. When someone breaks your trust, and this will happen, you will be able to learn from the experience and move on, because your trust in yourself remains intact. When the day comes that your self-trust is shaken to the core, and you feel that perhaps it is not them but you that cannot be trusted, do not turn to logic or sentiment to comfort yourself. Turn to the mirror and look into your eyes. Blink once, twice, open your mouth, close it, wave at yourself. You are in command of your body, you are in command of yourself. Doubt, fear, insecurity… These are dogs that will always and forever bark, but whether or not they bite depends on whether or not you let them. When you trust in yourself, you will be at peace with yourself because you know that trustworthy people are valuable, and valuable people are hard to find. And leaving without a joke is just plain rude.

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