Adventures of a Foolish Girl: Act 1

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Welcome one, welcome all. Much has occurred since I last found time to tear myself away from my many projects (I have no projects) and tell you about my very interesting (it is boring) life.  If you bear with me a little while longer, I shall tell you a tale of travels (to London), visions (my vision to be specific), loss (my loss of vision), betrayal (or at least deception), healing (or perhaps partial healing) and acceptance (or valiant attempts at acceptance). But before I continue I must tell you this: I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking: There had better not be any more stupid things stuffed into brackets or it will make the story difficult to follow (or impossible).

Followed by: Sh*t! I just used the brackets in my own mind!

Please take a moment to compose yourself dear reader.  I say to you that in the interests of making this an easy read, the brackets will only be used where absolutely necessary (i.e. everywhere). I am so glad that we are in agreement. It is as if we are of one (sound) mind. But enough about boring brackets, onto the tale.

Once upon a time a very foolish, frivolous but quite funny girl, decided she wanted to have her vision corrected. She had been wearing glasses for 16 years and contact lenses for 4 years, and she felt that those were a few years too many. She spent many weeks in the library researching the various types of… that is to say, she Googled her options. The two procedures that appeared to be the most common were LASEK and LASIK.

LASIK – this is done with two lasers, one to open up a thin flap in the surface of the cornea, and another to reshape the cornea underneath. The protective flap is then smoothed back over and stays in place without stitches.

LASEK – the clear skin covering the cornea is removed so the surgeon can reshape your cornea with a laser. The skin then grows back naturally.

Above information taken from NHS Website.

Now this girl thought the idea of someone fiddling with her eyes in such an intense way was surely not going to comfortable. You will note the neutral language used in the above explanations for each procedure. The first mentions that one laser is used to open up a tiny flap in the surface of the cornea. Sounds almost pleasant, the flap will be opened much like one opens a drawer or a door. Except drawers and doors are designed to be opened whereas your darling, dear cornea is designed to be left well alone. More neutral language is used to explain that the clear skin covering the cornea is removed. Sounds perfectly natural, the skin over your cornea will be removed much like one removes their shoes when one arrives home after a long day of pretending to be fine. And of course shoes are designed to be removed. The skin covering your cornea? Not so much. Anyway, despite the neutral language the girl began to seriously suspect that the two procedures would not be a pleasure cruise. But as I already mentioned, the girl was foolish, so she dismissed these worries and went about her merry way to a free consultation. There, she was told that she was certainly suitable for the surgery. Oh how ecstatic she was.

 

And finally, the day arrived. She travelled to London with great ease which is to say her train was delayed and she was barely able to conceal her frustration as she chomped her way through various unhealthy snacks. She had no trouble locating the building in question which is to say she walked around in circles for a quarter of an hour before coming to the unavoidable conclusion that the decision not check Google Maps every 2.7 seconds had been a terrible one. Finally, she arrived and with plenty of time to spare since she had done everything extra early because she had known she could not rely on the train times, her map reading abilities or her sense of direction. She walked in, fully expecting to be sitting around in the waiting room for ages while things happened around her but immediately she was ushered into a room for pre-screening. Alarm bells went off. She was not used to things happening this quickly or efficiently. Mere minutes after entering the building she was walked into the room which contained two assistants in blue scrubs and those hair nets you like to see on the friendly person handling your fries at your favourite fast food restaurant (did someone say alliteration?). One hair net was immediately put onto her head before she could say hello, I like those hair nets. Things were moving too fast for her liking and she understood that it was really happening – she was having LASIK.

By then, her heart decided it was time to pack its bags and take up residence in her throat while her palms decided they were going to focus on producing gallons of sweat. But even in her panicked state she did not lose her wits (though I would venture to guess she had very few to begin with). She decided to stall for time. Time for what you ask? Well, time to devise an escape plan of course. She knew she could not go through with this and that it was just a matter of distracting the assistants long enough for her to disappear in a cloud of smoke (and shame). She asked about the machinery, they answered while they led her to a bed. She asked for their names and the names of their ancestors going back roughly 20 generations, they answered as they helped her onto the bed. She asked when the floor was last mopped, she even asked what brand of paint was on the walls. She asked and asked and before she knew it she was flat on her back (if this is beginning to sound slightly seedy I assure you the assistants were professional and polite at all times). She was just about to muster the courage to slap away the hands of the kind assistant who was putting tape around her eyes and make a giant lunge for the door when the surgeon walked in and told her she was doing just fine. She wondered if he had failed to notice the terrible tangle of flesh (formerly known as her two hands) that rested on her lap. She was wringing her hands together so tightly that she felt sure she had damaged them both irreparably and she wondered how costly hand correction surgery would be. Then the words ‘Let’s begin’ caught her attention and she knew it was far too late for her to escape.

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(Image source)

 

 

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